Mariners DH’s post Edgar have been a mish-mash of an unemployable and often intolerable employ.
From 1995 to 2004, the Seattle Mariners had the best DH in baseball. Edgar Martinez was this man, and his numbers defend my half-drunken boast. Garr, whose legend is commemorated on a street sign outside Safeco Field batted .316 with over 1500 hits, 247 HR’s and an OPS of .971. That’s not counting Edgar’s historical impact on Seattle baseball and the warm feelings we all have when his name is brought up. Edgar is a Seattle sports icon, and since his retirement we have seen a parade of frauds, charlatans, and overall douchebags.
(Raul Ibanez actually lucked into the position for the 2005 season. The Mariners decided to place the fleet footed Jeremy Reed in the outfield rather than Raul. But since Raul was and is a career left fielder I will not include him. So we will begin with the 2006 season.)
[The good stuff is after the jump...]
Carl Everett - 2006
Current Newark Bears fan favorite Carl Everett was signed for the 2006 season. At this point in his career, Everett was a sad version of his former self. He looked like Carl Everett, he acted like Carl Everett, and he was an unenjoyable prick like Carl Everett. But .227 with an OPS of .658 was all his fossilized remains could muster. This is ironic because as a deeply religious man, Carl Everett knows the truth about fossils. To quote the biblical scholar, "The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex." Thank you C-Rex. Any more pearls of wisdom? "Gays being gay is wrong. Two women can't produce a baby, two men can't produce a baby, so it's not how it's supposed to be." Yes the man who famously grabbed his crotch while taunting Jaime Moyer in 2001 is not a fan of homosexuals either. The biggest shame of all though, was his terrible play. He was cut or “hoboized” in mid July that year to make room for Chris Snelling. Enough said.
Jose Vidro - 2007, 2008
People remember the 2007 Mariners fondly for two reasons. One, they won more than they lost, which was surprising considering their previous two seasons. Secondly, the p-whipped Mike Hargrove resigned with a 45-33 record because his wife didn't like Seattle as much as Cleveland. This suggests that both Mike Hargrove's wife is a dominatrix and that Seattle fans are so desperate for anything resembling success that they'll root for one Jose Vidro.
On paper, trading away two prospects that amounted to nothing for a three-time all star 2nd baseman seems like a small stroke of genius. However as far as 2nd baseman go, Jose Vidro had a steadiness in the field resembling Mohammed Ali, but with an even more bloated carcass. Therefore, he got the illustrious job of designated hobo. Vidro posted a deceivingly solid .314 batting average his first season with the team. But as any sports nerd knows, the truth lies deeper. Only 6 home runs and an anemic .394 slugging percentage tell the real story. His metric stats indicated a WAR of 1.6, meaning he’s a bench quality player, and an Rpos of -13, meaning that he shortchanged the Mariners of thirteen runs they would have gotten from an average player at his position. He led the team in grounding into double plays, and anyone who watched him knew he was terrible. The next season he collapsed into a poop pile and was “hoboized” in August.
On paper, trading away two prospects that amounted to nothing for a three-time all star 2nd baseman seems like a small stroke of genius. However as far as 2nd baseman go, Jose Vidro had a steadiness in the field resembling Mohammed Ali, but with an even more bloated carcass. Therefore, he got the illustrious job of designated hobo. Vidro posted a deceivingly solid .314 batting average his first season with the team. But as any sports nerd knows, the truth lies deeper. Only 6 home runs and an anemic .394 slugging percentage tell the real story. His metric stats indicated a WAR of 1.6, meaning he’s a bench quality player, and an Rpos of -13, meaning that he shortchanged the Mariners of thirteen runs they would have gotten from an average player at his position. He led the team in grounding into double plays, and anyone who watched him knew he was terrible. The next season he collapsed into a poop pile and was “hoboized” in August.
Ken Griffey Jr. – 2009-2010
This is a painful example for me. Griffey is the most decorated athlete in Seattle sports history. He was one of my childhood icons alongside Gary Payton and Shawn Kemp. He is my favorite Mariner of all time. In his lauded return to the Emerald City, however, he displayed distinct “hobo” characteristics. First off, seeing the greatest defensive outfielder of the 20th Century in the designated hitter role was sad. This was not Ken Griffey Jr. This was Hobo Griffey. Hobo Griffey had all the charms of a friendly street tramp. He had congeniality with regards to his teammates and was charming at times. But, like a hobo, he contributed almost nothing to the cause and was even found napping on the job.
Hobo Griffey was basically the opposite of Jose Vidro. Nice, low .214 average, but enough power to up his OPS to a livable .735, assuming he isn’t the core of your offense, which he was. People came to watch him play like he was an animal at the Zoo. Just hoping for Griffey to beautifully stroke one into the seats. But you don’t have to pay money to watch a hobo stroke one in public. The Mariners made Griffey retire because putting him down, like the useless old thoroughbred he is, is illegal.
The Mariners have had huge offensive needs ever since Safeco Field was built. Many blame the park, but when you look at the caliber of hitters, especially at the DH position, it’s no mystery why they’ve had such a flaccid offense. These hobos don’t even deserve to live under the overpass on Edgar Martinez Way.
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